Better question – how can it be August 2? Really, August 2? 2011?
My how time flies.
Wasn’t it just Easter yesterday? And Christmas the day before?
Wasn’t it just last year that I brought a blonde, long-awaited bundle of joy home from the hospital? And another much-wanted, brunette bundle of joy six months ago? How can they now be 11 and 9?
Where did the time go? How did it sneak past me so quickly?
Did I read to them enough? Did I play with them enough? Did I make enough forts and play-doh figures and mud-pies? Did I play dress-up, barbies, and princesses enough? Did I play in the sprinklers with them enough?
Did I snuggle enough? Did I tell them I love them enough? Did I hug them enough? Have I taught them enough about God and faith and love and manners and friendship and courtesy and generosity?
No. I fear I haven’t done any of those things enough.
Did I work too much? Did I worry too much about how the house looked? Did I buy them things to replace the time that I couldn’t…didn’t…spend with them? Did I focus on myself too much? Did I….do too much of all those things that distracted me from the most important, precious things?
Yes, sadly, I think I did. And I’m still doing those things.
Why can’t I just be still and enjoy them? They grow so quickly. 11 years has gone by in a flash. I’m sure the next 11 will pass equally as swiftly.
Is it too late?
I choose to believe it’s not too late. I have to believe that. The little girl in me – the part that never grew up - still likes to color and play dolls and make mudpies. It’s pure, unstressful fun. And don’t we all need that, whatever our age?
Why is hindsight always 20/20? My Mama always told me that the older I get, the quicker the time will pass. I didn’t believe her then, but I do now. When I tell my girls that, do they believe me? Or will the pattern continue – will they realize I was right when it’s too late for them to recapture that time? How can I make them understand now, so that they don’t have to live with regrets later?
My big 5-0 birthday is this month. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so focused on the time that I feel has been lost. Facing my own mortality, I guess. Will I live to see my children graduate college? Will I live to see them find their Prince Charming and their Happily Ever After? Will I live to see my grandchildren, and be able to just sit and enjoy them, now that I know how fleeting time is?
I don’t know, but God does. And I’ll rest – try to rest – in that.
And for now, I’m going to go color with my girls.